Steps Toward Conscious Parenting with CPTSD
CPTSD, rooted in chronic, relational trauma, often leaves us with a deep sense of hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, and shame. These wounds can easily be activated by our children's behaviors: the toddler's meltdown that feels unmanageable, the teen's defiance that triggers your fight-or-flight response, or even the quiet, vulnerable moments when your child simply wants to be held, and you feel the discomfort of emotional closeness. If you've ever felt like your reactions are bigger than the moment calls for, you're not alone. What's happening isn't "bad parenting"-it's your nervous system responding to old, unprocessed pain.
My Journey as a Parent with Complex Childhood Trauma
When I first became a mom I believed my past trauma was just that - in my past. I had spent most of my twenties separating myself from the trauma that happened to me and using spiritual bypassing to claim I was “healed.” Yes, there was deep healing that took place during that time that enabled me to fall in love and create safe relationships. I was GREAT with kids and spent my whole life taking care of children - as a parentified older sister, babysitter, camp counselor, nanny, and aunt. So when I became pregnant with my first child, I wasn’t scared one bit, I was ECSTATIC! It wasn’t until after he was born that I realized none of the parenting books I had read during my pregnancy would prepare me for the way becoming a mom would open up so many past wounds that I believed were healed but were actually lying dormant inside my body.
Why Common Parenting Advice Doesn’t Work for Parents with Trauma
My early years of motherhood were spent trying to figure out how to break generational cycles of abuse and neglect and become the parent I never had. I poured my resourcing skills into finding any and all parenting advice that would point me in the right direction. The advice was so conflicting and only left me feeling more hopeless and alone. There was “attachment parenting” that told me to never leave my baby alone, carry him all the time, co-sleep, ONLY breastfeed and respond to his every cry. This parenting advice left me feeling suffocated and trapped and like nothing about my life or my body belonged to me anymore. There was “gentle parenting” that told me to ALWAYS validate my child’s feelings and respond in a calm and gentle manner. To never say “no” and a billion other things to say instead. How punishment and consequences were “bad” and would traumatize my child. Gentle parenting felt IMPOSSIBLE for me and left me feeling immersed in shame and self-hatred. It wasn’t until I learned more about childhood trauma and how it shows up in the body that I realized why MOST modern day parenting advice left me falling short and feeling hopeless. It was because ALL of the information I was consuming was focused on what was going on for my child and how to show up for THEM. None of it was focused on what was going on inside of ME as a result of my childhood trauma and how to SOOTHE myself and regulate my nervous system.
Why Conscious Parenting is a Great Parenting Style for Parents with CPTSD
I ended up feeling like the parenting style that worked best for me as a mom with complex childhood trauma and CPTSD was Conscious Parenting. Conscious parenting involves looking at ourselves, exploring our own past wounds and how they show up in our parenting, learning how to soothe ourselves and consciously breaking cycles of trauma while starting cycles that never existed in our family of origin. Conscious parenting allowed me to surrender my desire to be the “perfect” mom and allowed me to step into my most authentic self in motherhood, knowing that it was going to be messy, hard, and beautiful all at the same time. It gave me permission to be a human, a human with deep trauma on her own healing journey who is also figuring it out. Right along with my kids. It’s not about “if” I’ll mess up; I most certainly will. It’s about how I own up to that and repair afterwards. How I move forward and make different choices next time. My kids get to see this beautiful example and know, it’s safe to be imperfect around here.
Steps Toward Conscious Parenting with CPTSD
1. Recognize Your Triggers
Parenting is full of moments that can set off your alarm system. Take note of the times when your heart races, you snap, or you shut down. These are breadcrumbs leading you back to the parts of yourself that still need care. Ask yourself: What story is my nervous system telling me right now? Maybe your child’s yelling reminds you of a home where your voice wasn’t safe. Maybe their refusal feels like rejection, mirroring the pain of being unseen in your childhood.
2. Regulate Before You React
When you’re triggered, your body’s fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response takes over. You’re unable to access the part of your brain responsible for making logical decisions. It’s okay to step away for a moment when emotions run high. Tell your child, “I need a minute to calm my feelings so I can listen to you better.” You’re modeling emotional regulation—not just for them but for yourself.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Repair
Let’s dismantle the myth of the perfect parent right now. You will lose your temper. You will have moments when your past takes over. The power lies in how you repair. When you’ve reacted harshly or withdrawn, circle back to your child. Apologize. Explain that your big feelings got in the way, but you’re working on it.
4. Anchor Yourself in the Present
Children are naturally present, and their joy, curiosity, and even their challenges are invitations to ground yourself in the moment. Notice their laughter, their tiny hands, their growth. Let these moments remind you that your child is not your past. They are here, with you, right now.
5. Seek Support
Parenting with CPTSD isn’t a journey you should take alone. Therapy, support groups, and parenting communities can be lifelines. Trauma work isn’t just about revisiting the past—it’s about creating a new, safe, and connected future. Join the waitlist for my next round of group coaching for moms with childhood trauma here.
Conclusion
Like me, you may worry that your CPTSD makes you less capable as a parent. The truth is that your willingness to confront your pain, your commitment to doing better and your capacity for self-awareness make you a COURAGEOUS parent. You are not just parenting - you are HEALING. And in that healing, you are creating a legacy of safety, love, and resilience for your child and yourself.