How Conflict Deepens Our Relationships When Done Right

Conflict is often seen as something to avoid, particularly for those who have experienced childhood trauma. The idea that conflict can actually strengthen relationships may seem counterintuitive, especially if your early experiences with conflict involved disconnection, abandonment, or even abuse. However, when handled with care and empathy, conflict can be a powerful tool for deepening connections and building trust in relationships. In this blog, we'll explore how conflict, when done right, can enhance our relationships and offer practical steps for navigating it effectively.

Understanding the Impact of Childhood Trauma on Conflict

For many survivors of childhood trauma, the mere thought of conflict can trigger intense fear and anxiety. This response is often rooted in past experiences where conflict led to painful outcomes—emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or abandonment. As children, we learn to associate conflict with danger and disconnection, leading us to avoid it at all costs as adults. This avoidance can persist into our relationships with partners, children, and friends, where we may shut down or withdraw when disagreements arise.

When conflict occurs, it can activate a survival response in the nervous system, pushing us into a dorsal vagal state of disconnection. This state is characterized by feelings of hopelessness, shame, and an overwhelming urge to disengage. Thoughts like "I'm a horrible person" or "They'll never understand" can dominate our internal narrative, reinforcing the belief that conflict is inherently harmful.

The Role of Conflict in Healthy Relationships

Contrary to what many of us learned in childhood, conflict is not something to be feared—it is a necessary and healthy aspect of close relationships. When handled properly, conflict can actually strengthen the bonds between individuals by fostering open communication, mutual understanding, and deeper emotional intimacy.

Healthy conflict allows us to express our needs, set boundaries, and resolve differences in a way that builds trust and respect. It provides an opportunity for both parties to be heard and to work together towards a solution that honors each person's feelings and needs. By engaging in conflict rather than avoiding it, we create a foundation of safety and connection that is essential for long-term relational health.

Personal Experience: Navigating Conflict in My Marriage

In the early years of my marriage, I struggled with conflict. Whenever disagreements arose, my instinct was to shut down or threaten to leave—not out of a desire to manipulate, but out of fear. The fear of abandonment loomed large, and conflict was a significant trigger for me. I was terrified that any argument could lead to rejection or the end of the relationship.

This fear-based response was deeply rooted in my childhood experiences, where conflict often led to disconnection or worse. However, through therapy and personal growth, I began to understand that my reactions were not truly about my husband or our relationship, but about unresolved fears from the past.

Shifting My Approach to Conflict

Here are the steps that helped me shift my approach to conflict, ultimately deepening my relationship with my husband:

Communicating My Inner Experience

The first step was opening up to my husband about what was happening inside of me during conflicts. I explained how past experiences influenced my current reactions and shared my fears of abandonment. This transparency allowed him to understand my behavior better and respond with empathy rather than frustration.

Recognizing and Soothing My Fears

I learned to recognize when my fear of abandonment was being triggered and began to practice self-soothing techniques. This involved grounding exercises, deep breathing, and reminding myself that the conflict at hand was not a threat to my relationship. Over time, these practices helped me stay present during conflicts rather than shutting down.

Practicing Safe Conflict Regularly

One of the most healing experiences was regularly engaging in safe conflict with my husband. This might sound counterintuitive, but by intentionally addressing disagreements in a healthy and respectful manner, we began to rewire our nervous systems to see conflict as safe rather than threatening. Each time we navigated a disagreement successfully, it reinforced our connection and built new neural pathways that associated conflict with safety and resolution rather than danger.

The Benefits of Safe Conflict in Relationships

Engaging in safe, healthy conflict is crucial for building and maintaining strong relationships. Here are some of the key benefits:

Strengthening Attachment Bonds

Conflict, when handled correctly, can strengthen attachment bonds by creating a sense of safety and trust. When both parties feel heard and respected, the relationship becomes a secure base where each person feels valued and understood. This secure attachment is vital for long-term relational health.

Building Emotional Resilience

Navigating conflict successfully builds emotional resilience in both individuals and the relationship as a whole. It teaches us that we can face challenges together and come out stronger on the other side. This resilience is essential for weathering the inevitable ups and downs of life.

Fostering Deeper Emotional Intimacy

Healthy conflict allows for deeper emotional intimacy by encouraging open communication and vulnerability. When we share our true feelings and work through disagreements together, we create a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, desires, and fears. This level of intimacy is what transforms a relationship from superficial to deeply connected.

Creating a Foundation of Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and conflict plays a key role in building it. When conflicts are resolved in a way that honors both parties' feelings and needs, it strengthens the trust between them. Over time, this trust becomes a solid foundation that can support the relationship through any challenge.

Conclusion

While conflict may feel uncomfortable or even frightening, especially for those with a history of trauma, it is a critical component of healthy relationships. By learning to navigate conflict with empathy, openness, and respect, we can deepen our connections with those we love and create relationships that are resilient, trusting, and deeply fulfilling. Remember, it's not about avoiding conflict, but about approaching it in a way that strengthens rather than weakens the bond. Safe conflict is a powerful tool for growth and healing, both for individuals and their relationships.